The First Three Hours at NOTMUN

The NOTMUN conference was now in session, and all the delegates began power-walking to the various committee rooms. Power-walking was an essential skill in the world of MUN; it created an aura of confidence and ambition without seeming too bold. 

Tim and Boris were the first delegates to enter the room. Model UN was extremely serious business, and Tim made it a point to show it. Opening up his briefcase, he began sorting through the printed copies of everyone’s papers to find talking points for the opening speech. His partner, Boris, was slicking back his greasy black hair and practicing how he would introduce himself. “Yo! My name is Boris—think Yeltsin—and it’s going to be a pleasure to work with you. I’m representing Great Britain. And, you are…?” He repeated himself four times before the next delegate walked in.

The next delegate, Kashmir (representing Mongolia), entered the room five minutes after Tim and Boris. Kashmir had actually timed this; by entering five minutes after the first delegation, he could appear equally confident yet look like less of a tryhard. So far, neither Tim nor Boris had impressed him. He chose a seat in the middle row opposite the other delegation in order to avoid looking like a front row snob.

It was around now that the rest of the delegates began power-walking in. There was: 

Kenya, represented by Brendan and Shannon (from the Boston Irish Catholic school that no one seemed to know despite its annual presence);

China, represented by Frankland’s D.G. Sri (a total gavel-monger who was here to bounce back after a particularly rough deferral from Columbia);

Indonesia, represented by Sakshi from Hylan Park (who seemed more interested in buying weed from Iran);

Iran, represented by Jay from Kingston (who seemed more interested in banging Hyun-mee); 

and The Philippines, who had elected to send in their own legitimate delegate from Manila after discovering Hyun-mee from Bell Township’s blogspot-journalism on Duterte’s narco war. 

There were also delegates for Australia, A Sovereign Florida, Sweden, and Djibouti, but they came from schools in low-income districts and therefore Did Not Really Count As People.

Then, Ahmad stepped in. As the East Brownsor delegate representing Lithuania, Ahmad was a Big Deal. Sort of. After the whole thing with Hyun-Mee, there’d been Real Beef with Jay, and since Jay was the biggest fake weed-dealer in West Winswick, Ahmad had lost a lot of fake street cred with Jay’s fake homies. Fake weed-dealing had a lot of fake perks like that, as long as you didn’t piss off the guy you were actually selling the weed through. Ahmad took a seat next to Kashmir and made power-eye contact with The Philippines, a stout middle-aged man who smelled like assault-grade munitions and cheap cologne. 

There was an awkward silence while Tim of Great Britain organized his papers. Then, after another 5 minutes, the chairs walked in. Boris made one final slick through his hair (before wiping the wax residue on his back pocket) and walked up to shake their hands. 

“Y-yo!” He said, “My name is Yeltsin—think Boris—and it’s going to be a pleasure to work with you. I’m representing Great Britain. And, you are…?”

“What?” said the first chair, Proud NYU Student Malcolm Li. Malcolm had already decided to give Best to Sakshi (Indonesia) because Sakshi’s older sister was banging his best friend for weed.

“Nothing,” Boris said. He had messed up. In his mind, he was already beginning to prepare his blackmail on the “power delegates”. 

“Anyways, everyone, welcome to this NOTMUN,” said the other chair and Bryn Mawr’s top collegiate delegate, Alexa Epstein. On terrible terms with Malcolm for his alcoholism (and other cool things that she wished she had), Alexa was hellbent on giving Best to Hyun-mee, who was literally not attending the conference. “I think you all know the game by now. Let’s get going — I’ll start by going through the brief, which I expect you to have read already.”

Committee was now in session.

After a mad scramble for Opening Speeches (being the first to speak implied oratory dominance — something coaches stressed), Kenya came out on top. 

Brendan began, “Kenya feels extremely strong about…” He paused, unsure.

“The South China Sea Crisis,” Shannon finished. “While Kenya has no position on this matter in no small part due to their own Chinese loan-traps, we would personally recommend that the Security Council send in peacekeepers to de-escalate Sino-Filipino tensions.”

Sri nodded sagely. It was totally against China’s actual position, but he didn’t really give a shit as long as it made him look like a Team Builder. The Philippines shook his head angrily, but remained quiet. 

Shannon continued, “We would also like to work with NGOs to promote awareness for the problem and thus be able to work towards a better solution. Thank you.”

Brendan and Shannon power-sat down. 

Next on the list was Iran. Jay power-swaggered his way to the podium and leaned into the microphone.

“The South China Sea Crisis is a crisis with a lot of depth, so I think it’s best that we look at solutions with a lot of depth. I think it’s also important we determine what viable solutions there are. Solutions that are deep, but unviable, are ultimately detrimental towards the crisis,” he droned on. After another minute spent defining Iran’s position on China’s position on the South China Sea Crisis, he finished with, “And while I think it may be a bit rash to take military action, I think we can look at innovative solutions like working with NGOs to promote awareness for the problem and thus be able to work towards a better solution. Thank you.”

Following a brief and well-researched, if simple, opening speech from A Sovereign Florida, it was Lithuania’s turn. Ahmad power-swaggered his way to the podium and leaned into the microphone.

“Lithuania actually has a position on this, believe it or not,” he said, with a look of faux-interest he had cultivated over the last three years of MUN. He was lying of course, but so was everyone else, so no one bothered to check him. “We recommend that the UN serve as an intermediary ground for China and other Southeast Asian countries to discuss the crisis without actually actuating any progress, and that the UN work with NGOs to promote awareness for the problem and thus be able to work towards a better solution. Thank you.”

In the meantime, Tim and Boris had begun to whisper to each other. They had forgotten to include NGOs into their own opening speech, and they were slated to go after China, who was most certainly going to have incorporated NGOs into his opening speech, putting them at a disadvantage almost as bad as A Sovereign Florida’s.

Thankfully for them, the first session would break an hour earlier than expected after a cleaning lady found Adderall in the Frankland hallway and Sri had to run upstairs to ingest it all before anyone besides his teacher found out. Malcolm understood, and called a 15 minute unmod/water break. Relieved, everyone left besides Sakshi, who was talking with Malcolm to confirm that his best friend had given the right amount of fake weed to her sister. You could never be sure with NYU kids. Sometimes, they’d actually have weed, and then her sister would actually have to bang his best friend.

by Tom Lynch, edited by Jake Goldstein


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